Whether you and your partner would rate your sex life as poor, good, great or mind-blowing it can never hurt to add some new tools to the repertoire to either keep the fire burning or at least to create an initial spark. We often speak with couples who go through varying stages of sexual satisfaction depending on what’s happening in their daily lives and that’s perfectly normal, but we think there are a few simple things that couples could practice to help them stay on the higher end of the “I’m satisfied” scale. Keep reading for a few juicy tips to help you elevate your sex life.
Tip 1 - Talk About It, and Be About It:
Can you guess what a majority of couples who say they have a satisfactory sex life have in common? Go ahead and take a few guesses. ”They have sex 5 times or more each week”. Nope. “Both partners are in really great physical shape”. Nope. “Oh, I know, none of the couples have children”. And again, the answer is no.
Couples that score themselves on the high end in sexual satisfaction generally state that communication in their relationship is also very strong. Simply put, couples who say they are having great sex, talk about sex with each other. They talk about what they like, how they like it and even when and where they want it. So, whether your lips tend to stay zipped or you shoot from the hip (no pun intended) when it comes to “sex talk”, be aware that it could be impacting your ability to get what you want. So, what are you waiting for? Take a few minutes with your partner this week to discuss your needs, wants and desires and experience for yourselves the benefits of talking about it and then being about it.
Tip 2 - Set the Stage:
We all know that life can get messy and couples sometimes struggle to balance work, finances, children and household chores, and still find time to connect in an intimate way. Let me ask you a question. When you think of your bedroom, what comes to mind? Soft pillows, clean sheets, and soothing smells? Or do you envision dirty clothes piles, children’s toys on the floor and clutter everywhere? Which version is more likely to get you in the mood?
If being close with your partner is on your mind then take time to set the stage for the moment. Try to create an inviting environment that leads to thoughts of being close and not a reminder of all the things that need to get accomplished. Put the clothes away, clean off the dresser, change the sheets and maybe light a candle or two. You might be surprised at how this small shift in your environment can create more moments of intimacy and physical connection.
Tip 3 - Be Vulnerable and Remove the Guesswork:
Couples that operate out of fear of rejection often find themselves engaged in what we call the waiting game. One partner is feeling the urge to connect sexually but doesn't communicate that desire verbally or in any other way to their partner, for fear of being told no, not now, or maybe later. And this makes sense as rejection or perceived rejection can hurt but in order to have a sexually satisfying relationship, you have to be willing to be open about what, when, where, and even how you want it. And even if the answer is sometimes, "Not now but later", at least you have communicated your needs to your partner and the guesswork is taken out of the equation. And truthfully sometimes our mind and body are in different stages of readiness due to illness or other circumstances, so if you need to say “no” or “not right now”, make sure to communicate if it has nothing to do with your level of desire for your partner. We’ve heard it said that “a closed mouth doesn't get fed”, so communicate regularly what you need and enjoy the feast.
Written by husband and wife team Lori Brewster, LMFT and Rashawn Brewster, MS, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, and co-owners/co-therapists of Elevating Relationships, LLC where they provide couples counseling to couples who are seeking to elevate their relationship through enhanced communication, conflict resolution skills, healing from difficult situations, navigating challenges and building/rebuilding trust, intimacy and romance (and much more!). Call them at (954) 903-1676 to find out how to start Transforming your Life and Relationship starting Today!