What to do when your partner is the one changing in your relationship

Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” –Fawn Weaver

When you think about marriage, what do you think of it? Most people say the fairytale, the golden retriever, the 2.5 kids, the house, and the white picket fence. We grow up seeing marriage and companionship in movies and cartoon television shows that make marriage seem forever beautiful and happily ever after. What we didn't see in Disney movies and cartoons were the transitions and changes that occur in a marriage. The ups and downs and the hardships and working towards solutions with one another. 

Are you experiencing a shift in your marriage? Are you in a new phase of your marriage? Have you been experiencing difficulties that you feel are too difficult to manage and arguments that seem to never be repaired? Has life impacted you or your partner in a manner in which they have not been able to fully heal or transition out of? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this blog is for you. 

First, let's talk about how marriages work. Love and Marriage have cycles just like in life. According to the Gottman Institute, there are 3 stages in long term relatinships.

1. The first stage of a relationship is the limerence stage. The limerence stage is the “Honeymoon Stage.” In the limerence stage, you are engulfed with excitement, obsessive thinking about your partner, fantasy, sexual excitement, and also fears of being rejected. 

2. The next stage of love is the trust-building stage. During the trust-building stage, the couple learns what are the behaviors that help each other feel safe and loved. It is called the trust phase because in every interaction in the relationship we are bidding for attention, love and care. During this phase, you may experience some frustrations with one another and arguments because each individual experiences love differently. The goal of this phase is to learn from one another how to help each other continue to feel safe, loved and wanted. 

3. The last phase of love and relationships is the commitment and loyalty phase. In the commitment and loyalty phase, couples foster gratitude, fondness, admiration, and cherish their relationship, and view their relationship as a life-long commitment because they have figured out how their dance during the trust phase. These phases can easily get lost in relationships without the proper guidance and tools for managing and repairing after arguments. 

At times, as relationship counselors, we meet couples with the dilemma of one partner stating he/she feels the other partner is “the one changing.” Changes in “one partner” can include but are not limited to changes after recovering from health conditions, empty nesting, mental health difficulties, and mid-life crises. When these situations arise, conflict may arise, as it can be challenging to figure out how to deal with the changes.

So how do we stay committed to our marriages while “one partner” is changing? Staying committed to your partner as they are shifting and changing can be very difficult but certainly not impossible. Here we are going to share with you tips for staying committed in a changing marriage.

Tips for Managing Your Partner Changing 

1. Communication: Create a safe space for open and honest conversations by utilizing “I statements.” Ex) “I feel worried about….what I need is for….I appreciate that you ….” Facilitate conversations about the changes you’ve noticed with your partner and how it has been impacting the marriage. Approach these discussions with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask your partner how they feel about the changes they are experiencing and share your feelings as well. 

2. Listen Actively: Sometimes, changes in your partner might be linked to underlying concerns or desires. Listening without interrupting or defending can help you understand their perspective more deeply.

3. Practice Patience: Be patient. Adjusting to change takes time, for both you and your partner. Patience allows for a smoother transition and gives you both the space to adapt without pressure and constraints.

4. Show compassion: Remember that change can be difficult, even for the person experiencing it. Compassionate support can make your partner feel loved and understood, strengthening your connection.

5. Reconnect and Rebuild Intimacy: Prioritize quality time. As your partner changes, the way you connect might need to change as well. Spend time together in activities that you both enjoy and be intentional about nurturing your emotional and physical intimacy. 

6. Explore new ways to bond: Sometimes, changes in a partner can be an opportunity to discover new interests together, for example: Try a new hobby, travel to new places, or simply spend time talking

7. Recognize and Accept Change: Understand that change is natural. People grow and evolve. The person you married may not be the same person years down the line, and that's okay! Embracing this reality can help you view change as a normal part of life rather than a threat to your relationship. Also, avoid comparing your partner to the person they were in the past. Instead, focus on appreciating who they are now, and the growth and new experiences they bring into the relationship to foster new strengths. 

8. Be willing to Adapt: Flexibility is key in a long-term relationship. If your partner's changes require adjustments in your lifestyle or routine, be open to making those changes together. A willingness to compromise can strengthen your bond.

9. Focus on Your Journey: Focus on yourself. While it’s important to address your partner’s changes, don’t forget your personal development. When both partners are committed to growth, it can enhance the relationship. Take time to pursue your interests, and encourage your partner to do the same.

10. Support each other’s journeys: Celebrate each other’s successes and be a source of encouragement. Your partner’s growth is an opportunity for you to learn and grow together.

11. Revisit and Renew Your Commitments: Reaffirm your shared values. As life evolves, so do individual priorities. Regularly revisiting the core values and goals that bind you together can help realign your relationship. Discuss where you see yourselves in the future and how you can support each other's aspirations.

To conclude, marriage is a partnership that requires ongoing effort, especially when dealing with change. By embracing change as an opportunity for growth, maintaining open communication, and nurturing your relationship, you can create a marriage that not only endures but thrives. Remember, the goal isn’t to resist change but to grow together through it, ensuring that your marriage remains a source of strength and joy for both of you. For more resources like this, please check out our other tips here https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog.  You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.