“I asked my child if she was tired. She replied, ‘Yes, I’m exhausted.’ She meant ‘exhausted,’ But she is not wrong.”
~Funny online meme on parenting.
Is parenting exhausting? Absolutely. Does it make you daydream of far-off places that have 24-hour child care while you sip pina coladas and remember your youth and those pesky dreams that somehow took the backseat of your life? Absolutely. Is parenting worth it? Absolutely!
Part of the exhaustion is often the power struggles that seem to come with the territory of raising children. You tell them to make their bed, they rather color or play a video game. You ask them to clean their dishes, and they prefer to wrestle with their brother over a leggo piece. You asked them to brush their teeth and they lied and said they already did despite the evidence of pasta breath.
You inquire about homework and they say, “I don’t have any.”
Five elements to consider:
1. Your child’s developmental stage:
Several websites are fantastic and easy-to-read resources that can provide an understanding of what your child’s capacity is at this stage of their life and what can be expected. We have a few of these on our website for ages 2-12:
2. Boundaries, limits, and consistency:
Consider how you and your partner communicate with your child about boundaries and limits, and how consistent you are about managing said boundaries. Children believe the actions of their parents. Therefore, being consistent with the rules and expectations you have placed will provide your child with a clear understanding of what is expected, despite the weather, day at school, cool show on YouTube, and any other irregularities of everyone's day.
3.Your child may be trying to cope:
We often forget what it’s like to be our child’s age. And how the world seemed so big, despite their childhood responsibilities. Sure, your child does not have to pay the mortgage, deal with the mechanic's over-priced services, or think of what to serve for dinner for a party of 7, but they do have to deal with their ever-evolving world. Remember those developmental stages we talked about earlier? Well, our brains adapt to our world according to its capacity to make sense of the world. The world looks very different at the age of 5, compared to the age of 11 when we entered middle school and all of a sudden experience a whole range of emotions and intensity that was not accessible to us at the age of 5. Take the time to learn about your child’s world. What are they scared about? What may they feel insecure about? Where do they believe they fall short? Do they compare themselves to others and why? Are they being bullied? Learn their world, and help them find age-appropriate ways to cope.
4. Proactive Communication:
How are you communicating? An initial step to encourage gradual comfort in communicating, via your interest in your child’s viewpoint -is to simply learn and understand his or her perspective. Begin by implementing active listening.
Active listening stresses the importance of listening to learn and empathize with what your child is sharing about their world. Active listening avoids criticism and problem-solving responses, such as: “Did you try,” “Why don’t you,” or “Maybe that person didn’t mean to.” Active listening is more of “Aww yes I can see why that created sad feelings,” “I’m sorry you felt betrayed, that must be tough,” or “I can see it’s hurting you.”
5. Check your emotions:
Ask yourself what am I having difficulty handling. When you feel that emotion how do you usually behave? This may be experiencing the expression or non-expression of feelings of discomfort. Is your child triggering other more pressing issues in your life? Marriage discord, parents' illness, your downsized income, feeling unvalued, limited time for self-care, discomfort in your weight or body image, wishing for more time for something else. The real world is riddled with all of these possibilities. Adulting isn’t always fun, often it seems quite overwhelming. And in the midst of it all, parents are expected to get it right. All the time. So encourage yourself to check in with the care of your own emotions. Take time to nurture your emotional world. It needs you. You may likely find that spending 5 to 10 minutes daily checking in and letting yourself be heard a
very loving act, will extend to feeling comfort in understanding the emotions your child needs nurturing.
In conclusion, let’s take a look at what a simple dialogue can look like:
“Why are you feeling disappointed?” or “Do you know why you’re feeling disappointed?” Honor the response or the confusion: “Not getting a chance to play in the soccer game today must be disappointing to you.” Brainstorm possible solutions: “Let’s brainstrain things you can do to get more playing time.” And remember, sometimes the situation doesn’t need an action other than just comforting the teen or sharing their feelings. I.e., “Being disappointed over not playing is a very natural response.” or “We all feel disappointed at times when things don’t work out the way we want them to.”
For more tips, please check out our other tips here: https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog. You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.
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