If you are reading this, you have most likely experienced a loss, or know of someone who has experienced a loss or want to brace yourself for a journey every single human being is bound to go on at some point in their life. The National Cancer Institute defines grief as, “the normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one.” Grief can therefore be used to recognize the emotional experience someone has when grieving: a person you cherished (ex. family member, friend, mentor, etc.) who has died, a pet that has passed away, a dream/goal that did not come to fruition, or any other feeling of a loss that was meaningful to someone. In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross created the concept of the 5 stages of grief. David Kressler, a protégé of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, expanded the research on grief which resulted in grief now being described as 7 stages. Although grief is described as “stages,” it is important to note that grief is not linear. Grief is more like a roller coaster that has highs, lows, and loopy loops. Stages are used synonymously with the word spaces/experiences. To ingrain this idea for the remaining portion of this blog we will refer to “stages” as “spaces.” The 7 spaces of grief consist of: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance.
Shock- In this space, people typically experience feelings of numbness and detachment. This is the body’s defense mechanism trying to create a safe buffer from experiencing heightened emotions. It takes time for the mind and heart to digest and assimilate information when someone passes away.
Denial- Denial has been described as logically comprehending that someone has died and simultaneously feeling what has occurred is “not real.” The brain is always trying to protect us, and this space is meant to help us on our journey. The reality is the person has passed away, and it takes time to adjust to this new reality. Hence, very understandably denial occurs. A very common experience is that the deceased person will come visit on their typical day, or that you’ll receive a phone call from that person at a typical time you used to talk to in the past.
Anger- Anger by itself is an emotion that may occur when someone feels they have been wronged or sometimes feels a sense of helplessness. When someone passes away a person can experience feelings of anger towards: themselves, the person that passed away, doctors, family members, and so forth. Many things in life are in our control, however, death is something that is ultimately out of our control. It’s important to give ourselves permission to embrace/hug our feelings of anger tenderly during the grieving journey.
Bargaining- When visiting the bargaining space individuals typically experience feelings of guilt. For example, imagine a child bargaining with their parents to get out of time (ex. loss of a privilege, such as television for the rest of the night). The child may want to avoid feeling “pain” and hope to negotiate with the authority figure to prevent them from feeling pain. The child may feel remorse for their actions of having not chosen a different behavior before the time out. When someone passes away a person may feel guilt believing if they had spent more time with the person or intervened in any way, it may have resulted in a different outcome for the person who passed away. Guilt can be used as a moral compass to help people learn and make sense of their actions. We invite people in this space to not blame themselves but rather acknowledge how they were present in their loved one’s life, and how they may want to show up similarly & differently in other loved one’s lives.
Depression- Feelings of sadness and emptiness (feeling something is missing) are the typical feelings in this space on the journey. Individuals sometimes in this space will retreat from things that are a part of their daily routine. When someone is sad, it can be seen as allowing their emotions to be seen and heard. When someone withdraws from activities it can be seen as someone feeling extra fatigue to keep up with daily tasks because they are now tenderly cradling their heart and mind. Our hope for people in this space is to: Normalize their feelings of sadness, validate their experience, and balance time to be in touch with their emotions and stay connected to their daily routine to the best of their ability.
Testing- “Testing the water,” is the space in which someone is beginning to dip their “toes in the water” of looking for resources to help themselves manage a life without their loved one present. In this space, people may begin to: join a support group, begin counseling, connect more with their support system, and many other methods to help them move forward with their lives.
Acceptance- “Acceptance does not mean people feel ok about a loss…they understand that while life will not continue as it did before, it will go on” (West, 2024). Acceptance is someone being able to allow something to be a part of their “life’s book.” We do our best to “witness” this emotional experience in our lives.
We thank you for taking the time to read this blog, and for being part of a movement to help make the subject of death less taboo. The spaces of grief are all essential parts of the journey of grief. In the words of Paulo Coeho the author of the book, The Alchemist, “There is only one way to learn…It’s through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.”
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