Six Effective Steps to Manage Resentment and Increase Confidence

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.                  ~ Merriam-Webster 

Have you ever poured your heart out to someone hoping they will see your pain and real need to be loved and understood? Have you ever not had the patience or the insight to do the right thing towards another and not be forgiven? Has your partner ridiculed you so deeply that the days, months, or years after you are unable to let go of the anger? Or feeling slighted so profoundly that any little mishaps take you right to that discomfort?  You may be suffering from the monkey on your back better known as resentment.

One thing for certain in the game of life: you will have disappointments more often than not! The most hurtful kind of disappointment is that from our romantic partners. We put so much effort and hope that this person will be our refugee from the harshness that can be the outside world, and so when they hurt us, it feels double, or triple the pain.

Hurt or betrayal can be heavy, lonely, and confusing. We may want to forgive, but depending on the circumstance, it is not as easy to be so forgiving. If you are stuck in the element of resentment, the growth of your relationship may be stagnant. 

Resentment can harm not only the growth of your relationship, but the quality of the love and care within it. Resentment can influence us to not say what we need to say; hold on to hurt that may no longer apply to our current circumstances, and more importantly, amplify hurt that clouds our capacity to heal and communicate assertively to resolve the issue.

Possible indicators you feel resentful towards your partner:

• Anger that your partner cannot seem to read your mind.

• Sadness or withdrawing in the hopes your partner will give you attention and becoming moody when they do not give you the expected attention.

• Irritability over little mistakes your partner makes that do not relate to the smallness of the mistake.

• Assuming your partner is lying or up to no good.

• Feeling annoyed that your partner lives his or her life as if nothing is wrong and your annoyance about this developing into anger.

• Resentment is a normal occurrence.

Six Effective Steps to Manage Resentment and Increase Confidence

1. Calm down, relax. Begin to journal or jot down the number of times you experience the feelings/examples provided below. This practice will help you to increase your insight about how often you go into negative thoughts and feelings. As a result, provide clarity on how these negative thoughts/feelings may limit your ability to function or communicate effectively.

2. Think it through. Your partner’s actions or words may not be communicating what you think. If you are holding on to past hurts, their actions may trigger that hurt, but not necessarily be related to those past incidents. Ask yourself if their actions have any relation to the past. If it becomes clear it has no association, this may help you to address the present issue with calm and regulated emotions.

3. Avoid quick reactions. Along with thinking it through, allow yourself some time to decide how you would like to approach the issue. How can you communicate your concerns without creating additional misunderstandings? A helpful clue is to reflect on how you previously communicated your disappointment that has not given you the understanding or empathy you are seeking. This is an indicator that changing your approach is important. 

4. Take action that makes sense according to the circumstance. If your partner decides to change plans last minute without consulting you, rather than saying “You always do this,” or “You’re so selfish,” it may be a clue that new boundaries are needed. Why does your partner believe it’s okay to do this? What has prevented you from drawing a line and sticking to it? Is there an element of roles or expectations that influence this behavior? Reflect on permissive actions and explore alternative yet more direct ways to set clear boundaries.

5. Speak with clarity and consistency. What is needed both emotionally and dynamically that you may feel stuck or unable to confidently share with your partner? Unfortunately, our partners cannot read our minds, just as we cannot read theirs. This means we need to practice the art of truthful communication. This does not mean yelling, or blaming our partners to “get it.” The opposite means the more time we take to calm down, think it through, not be quick to react, and take action that makes sense, the more confident we will be able to share our needs, and in turn set healthy boundaries. 

6. Count your blessings. What are the elements of your partnership that are loving, supportive, fun, tranquil, or even hopeful? If you have hung on this long, there is a strong probability that there are positive and worthwhile characteristics of your partnership that can provide positive feelings and strengths in fighting for your love and bond.

The most beautiful expression of self is the one that feels valued, loved, and safe. Learning how to communicate your needs, can be the starting point to a close union personalized by each person’s unique need to feel loved and accepted by the person longed to trust most.

For more tips, please check out our other tips here https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog. You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.