What is Co-regulation and why is it important you may ask? Let’s first begin with what is Self-regulation.
Self-regulation is the capability/skill to practice managing one’s thoughts, feelings, and actions to be able to be present and perform in different meaningful areas of our lives which include:
Relationships with others (friends, family members, coworkers, and the people we meet on a day-to-day basis.
Career/Work Place
School/Education
Goals
Now that we know what Self-Regulation is, let's go back and answer what is Co-regulation.
Co-regulation is the process of a caring adult providing support to their children. A parent will provide different levels (amount of time) of support and different types of support throughout the lifespan of their child.
Newborn/Infant
Toddler
Child
Pre-Teen
Teenager
Young Adult
Adulthood
Late Adulthood
Parents, what can you do to support your children no matter what stage of life they are in?
Your Presence Makes All the Difference:
Parents, you will never stop being parents. A parent always has a purpose for ways they can be there for their child. While children have their own temper and predisposition, a child is a product of their environment. Children will mirror the lessons that they are taught from their family and their environment.
Ask yourself what your actions reflect in the eyes of your children who watch you.
Even in the animal kingdom, it is apparent how recently born animals learn from observing and soaking things in from the parent. You’ve heard the saying: “Monkey See, Monkey Do.”
Teaching children, and giving them the space to learn
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime” (Lao Tzu).
Parents have the privilege to be able to guide children so that they learn how to navigate through life in small ways and big ways.
Explain with compassion, patience, and empathy ways for children to face new challenges they haven’t experienced before, and how to get up and try again when dealing with something that has been an area of growth for them.
What is Unconditional Positive Regard?
Attending to your child’s needs from a place of love.
Attending to your child’s needs with patience.
Accepting and meeting your child where they are at that precise moment. Knowing that your child is doing their current BEST at that moment. “What you resist, persists. What you accept, transforms.”
Give yourself as the parent grace, and compassion to also be in tune with your feelings and experience. By giving yourself compassion, you are modeling for your child to learn how to be kind to themselves and others.
Let the “charged emotional energy out” in a helpful and fun way:
Practice Deep Breathing with your child. If they are not ready to participate, model for them how deep breathing helps you.
Dance it out! Help your child get that pent-up energy out by getting the “wiggles out.” As Taylor Swift says: “Shake It Off.” No matter what you are feeling, get your feelings out by dancing it out.
Draw your feelings out. Use a piece of paper and anything you can draw with (ex. Pen, pencil, crayons, markers, or paint). Let your feelings flow by scribbling abstract art or doodles. Pour your feelings onto the paper. Sit down with your child and put on your artist hat.
Participate in some form of physical exercise. Go out for a walk to get fresh air. Play one of your favorite sports. Ride a bike. Do anything for yourself and your child where you can exert energy and get your body moving.
Yell and sing it out! In an intentional and emotionally safe way where you are not going to alarm the neighbors. Put on your child’s and your favorite song that connects you both to the feeling you have at that moment. Sing your heart out to the song. It’s a cathartic way of releasing the feelings one has inside. Give yourself and your child to yell at a pillow.
Parents remember to be kind and gentle with yourselves. The skill of learning how to balance one’s own emotions (self-regulation) takes time. Learning how to also understand and attend to your child’s needs (co-regulation) while listening to your own needs is like a balancing act of riding a bicycle while on a tightrope. Your child is riding the bike with the training wheels, while they follow your lead with the bicycle without training wheels. When your child is ready, they will be able to remove the training wheels. Each stage of life will challenge them to learn “new tricks” on the tightrope that will require new and different training wheels. As long as you are there with them on that tightrope that is all that matters. Quoting from a song from the late Latin singer Celia Cruz, “Laugh, cry, …life is a carnival.”
Thank you for choosing to show up in your child’s life to the best of your current ability. For more resources like this, please check out our other tips here https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog. You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.
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