You never thought it would be possible but unfortunately, your relationship has ended. You are left feeling hopeless, alone, devastated and confused.
Things honestly suck right now. No better way to put it. This is especially true if the end of your relationship is also the end of a marriage. Ending that commitment takes a lot more energy than separating and closing that door, especially if you have children.
The best thing you can do in that scenario is to give yourself time to heal so that it doesn’t get in the way of the relationship that matters the most, the relationship with your kids.
It is important to show your kids how to end a relationship amicably and how to heal so that they can mirror that for themselves in the future.
The end of a relationship and a marriage can be an opportunity for yourself to build yourself up, versus tearing yourself down. That is the lesson you can teach them.
Now, I understand how hard that last statement is to hear and take in, especially if you are still dealing with it emotionally, however, it’s true. You can take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your relationship and your future, if and when, you are ready.
Question is, how do you know you are ready?
First, it is essential that the relationship is truly over. Sometimes we can be in a place of going back and forth with an ex to see if there is potential in reconciling, which is great if you do but doesn’t help you move on if the relationship is over.
Here is something SUPER important to note. Reconciliation takes two parties. If you are the only one interested in getting back together, then you may want to dig deep and accept that things are done.
Once you determine that the relationship is over, then the moving on/healing can begin.
You are ready.
We both know that you want to feel like yourself again. That you want that confidence and swag that you haven’t felt in a long time.
You can have that. It takes dedication, courage, and honesty, but it is possible.
Here is where YOU need to begin:
You have to unpack your relationship fully: What did you love about your partner and what you could have done without. It is also important to find out what you didn’t like about yourself in the relationship. You do this in order to prepare yourself for future relationships. It prepares you to find someone that’s best suited for you PLUS helping you find out how you can be a better partner.
While preparing for the future, I am not suggesting that you dive right into a new relationship. Remember that you are in the healing phase.
While many suggest that the “best way” to get over a relationship is to get into a new one...that could get you into a whole lot of trouble. You want to have “good energy” when you enter into a new relationship, even if you only plan to date, as a way to deter all the “bad energy” that potential partners could bring.
Think about it this way. When you feel crappy about yourself, you aren’t attracting prime candidates. You can attract people who are either not equipped to help you out of your funk, who may continue to keep you down. Most people are attracted to confident individuals. They have good energy.
Long story short, fix your heart first before you offer it to someone else.
How long does that process take, you ask? It is as long as it takes.
I get it. That was a crappy answer but it is an honest one.
There is no formula for getting over a relationship. I know people may suggest grieving a relationship for half as long as it lasted but that can be unrealistic.
Think about it. If you were married for 10 years, should you honestly grieve for 5? If you want to then great, but if you think after 6 months you are good then go for it.
I will simply say that you want to give it enough time for the burn to heal plus enough time that it is respectful of the relationship. Meaning... you stop cringing or crying at the sound of your ex’s name plus you look at that time with your ex as a learning experience.
What exactly did you learn? That’s up to you, but one important thing that we ALL learn after the end of a relationship is who we want to be.
Are you still trying to figure that out? Of course you are! That’s ok!
People in even the healthiest relationship are still trying to find out who they are. You are right where you need to be.
During this process of self-discovery, you want to learn more about what makes you happy. Happiness is key.
What do you want to do more of? What makes you passionate? Or simply, what makes you feel better about yourself?
If you have no clue, be open to trying new things until you find out. Try kickboxing or pottery or golfing. Just be open and be open to go by yourself. This gives you an opportunity to potentially meet new people.
On your path to self-discovery, it can be helpful to find a model of who you wish to be. This helps you determine what qualities you may want and find ways to get there.
For example, let’s say you respect the determination and work ethic of Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock. You might try to find ways to mirror that for yourself. Maybe you appreciate how kind or charismatic he is. This can help create a blueprint for you as well.
This strategy doesn’t work for everyone, but it can for you.
The last step in your journey to self-discovery is to have fun. Give yourself a “single life” moment to let loose and to let things be just about you. Is that selfish? Yeah, but you are single and have no one (unless you have kids so have fun but don’t forget your responsibilities - LOL).
Your single life should be filled with moments where you “treat yourself” meaning do things that you wouldn’t normally do. Go away on a spontaneous vacation, buy season tickets to The Miami Heat or maybe that 60-inch TV you have been eyeing.
This is your moment, so enjoy yourself.
Written by: Jessica Jefferson, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and Owner of Cloud Nine Therapeutic Services. I help those who are looking for a boost in their self-confidence and self-esteem to help them become the best versions of themselves. Are you ready to start making changes in your life? Want to feel confident and ready to face any obstacle? Call me today at (954) 903-1676 for a FREE phone consultation.